15 Minutes

Financial, Relationship and Spiritual Growth. Personal Development. Leadership.

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The Problem With Your Confidence-Building Plan

confidenceWe naturally feel trepidation whenever we are confronted with a new task. Well, perhaps “naturally” isn’t the correct word since one-year-olds don’t have the same hesitancy. In fact, that nervousness is something that is a learned trait. Perhaps because we get laughed at or ridiculed when we fail at something as a child. Or maybe because we actually get physically hurt attempting a task. Whatever the cause, we (two-years-old and over) somehow develop this feeling of trepidation when we are confronted with something new.

Because we seek to avoid failing, falling, or fumbling, here’s how we normally seek to confront that mysterious new “thing” in our path. First, we want to build up our confidence. Second, we want to develop some skill. Third, we want to attempt it. Then finally, we achieve the results or success that we are looking for.

The problem is, the real world doesn’t work that way. You never develop confidence in something until after you do it. You certainly don’t develop skill in something until after you try it a few times. So, here’s how that process should actually look:

Step one, start.
Step two, increase skill and confidence.
Step three, results.

Do the thing and you will have the power. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

You need to put the action in first before you begin to develop skill and confidence. Increased skill and confidence can accelerate your passage from step one to step three. But until you actually put some action in to initiate the process, you are just idling. And idling always increases fear and trepidation (I really like the word trepidation).

Sometimes you will fail, fall or fumble. Any failure is a lesson in how to achieve success on your next attempt. Any fall is a signpost on where to step carefully next time. Any fumble is a reminder to keep your eye on the ball. Each attempt increases confidence on the next attempt. The only time that failure is final is if you QUIT.

So don’t try to gain the confidence first to do the thing you’re been waiting on.

Do the thing.

Get the power.

Nine times out of ten, your fear will disappear the moment you start. More of us are held back by fear of failure than by failure. The only thing that can build up your confidence, is action.

Just do it. ~Nike, Roman Goddess of Victory

What have you been postponing or procrastinating on this week?

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Overcoming Self (Not Your Self Their Self)

catpadI’ve been addressing various factors over the last couple weeks that prevent people from performing acts of service, things that keep us from having a giving attitude.

One obvious one that I never mentioned is selfishness.

Sure there are some people that are genuinely selfish who wouldn’t lift a finger to help someone in need because they just don’t care about their fellow man. I believe those people are rare; and sociopaths. But there are some lesser degrees of selfish with a lower case “s” that may apply to quite a few folks.

For example, what about people suffering from extreme shyness? We tend to sympathize with those people. At least I do because I was painfully shy growing up. But if it becomes paralyzing to the point that you are too shy to ask the person next to you if they would like to share your umbrella, then you no longer have any sympathy from me. Your shyness is now causing hardship on people around you. If you are too soft-spoken and self-conscious that you can’t get someone’s attention and tell them they are standing in the wrong line, are waiting at the wrong bus stop, or are about to inject themselves with something that is not their insulin, that’s a problem.

The problem with self-consciousness is you are focusing all your attention on your self. So yes, being shy is a form of selfishness.

Another common form of selfishness is just utter obliviousness. A few months ago I was filming an episode of Hawaii 5-0 (it was Billy’s funeral, look for me at the wake during the reruns). When working as a background actor, you spend about 90% of your time waiting. So with about fifty of us all crammed into a holding area a friendly red-headed actress sat down next to me and said, “So, you’re not on your phone, what would you like to talk about?” I laughed because… well, everyone was staring at their phones.

Society has been focusing more and more inwards. Last week I made a brief list of things that fill up our lives. It’s a vaguely generational list where the baby boomers had their clubs and sports leagues, generation x had their TV, and generation Y has their internet games and smartphones. Notice how each generation has gotten less and less social? Your parents probably ate meals together and had conversations. My generation sat in front of the television during meals and talked during commercials. Today kids have their own individual screens and communicate primarily in chat windows.

It’s not that younger generations are less kindhearted, they are just less trained to look up and out. Most young people would gladly help someone out if they could do it by tweet.

I believe that people are good and kind. I believe that people will perform acts of kindness and service more often if we can shake them out of their iSelf.

So that is the goal of our non-profit organization when we launch. Create a culture of giving and serving by helping people to overcome their fear of lack of reciprocity, their reluctance to receive a blessing because they can’t reciprocate back, their laziness, and their self-centeredness. That seems like a pretty full plate.

How would you tackle some of these issues?

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Able is Useless Without Available

outLast week I put forward the idea of creating a culture of serving and giving. I then proposed some obstacles that might preventĀ  the acts of giving and serving.

The fear of your act of goodwill not being reciprocated. Also, the fear of not being able to reciprocate the deed yourself.

This started a discussion with a few comments over on my LinkedIn page, and I had another idea of what prevents people from giving.


If you’re not busy, you’re not American. As of 2009, the average American works more hours per week than the average worker in Japan. We are obsessed with the business of busy-ness.

And it’s not just our jobs consuming so much of our lives these days. Generation X parents have their kids overloaded with activities from sports to gymnastics to violin lessons to karate. Generation Y is being smothered with their parents ambitious social schedules for them. It seems that kids rarely have time to be kids anymore as they are rushed from planned activity to planned activity.

Non-kids also tend to load their lives with activities. It used to be sports leagues and clubs. Then hobbies and television. Today it’s Call of Duty and World of Warcraft.

How does constantly being busy affect our generous and giving spirits?

  • Would you stop to help a motorist with a flat tire if you have just enough time to get to work without being late?
  • Would you stop to give directions to a pedestrian when you are already late for class?
  • Would you stop to give advice to an emotionally wounded adolescent crushed by their first heartbreak when your WOW raid starts in fifteen minutes?

If you answered “no” to any of these, then here’s a question for you: Is being busy a legitimate reason to avoid doing good?

“The enemy of all sorts of goodness and generosity and giving, is not greed. It is busy.” (Tweet this, it’s profound)

This is another enemy that my friends and I are looking to defeat when we launch our non-profit soon. To create a culture of giving and serving, one of the beasts that we are looking to defeat is busy.

I’ve heard many pastors and speakers say “God doesn’t always use the most able, but the most available.” What are your thoughts?

helpHow do we snap people out of their busy? How do we get people to disrupt their routines and habits and daily running on the hamster wheel, in order to be just a bit more mindful of others? To take time to notice when someone is in need? To take time to help, to give, to serve?

Please take a moment to share your ideas. If you have no ideas please share this blog post with others for their ideas.


To Serve Man (Not a Cookbook)

ImageHow can we cultivate a culture of giving? A culture of serving? I’ll let you know up front that I don’t have any definitive answers, so hopefully this will spark a two-way conversation. Think of this post as a public brainstorming session.

The secret of successful leadership is a willingness to serve.
The secret of a successful marriage is to try to out-serve your spouse.
The secret of a successful company is exceptional service.
The secret of a successful tennis player is a great serve.

Actually, I guess none of those things are really secrets. They are commonly taught at marriage seminars, leaderships seminars, sales seminars and tennis camp. I would also contend that any society or group or nation would be improved if everyone was taught to give and serve more often.

So how does one create a culture of serving? Giving and serving not just our spouses and customers, but to everyone that we see on a daily basis?

Let me formulate one obstruction and consider if you agree. Our society is based on the idea of reciprocity, fairness, equivocation. It’s how our commerce works and somehow that idea has bled into our notion of how interpersonal relationships are also supposed to work. Which is why we will easily perform a kindness or favor for a friend, relative our co-worker, but might be hesitant to do the same for a stranger. After all, if you never see that person again, when will they ever be able to do you a favor back?

Do you agree with that summation? (Take a moment)

I think there are some people that think that way, but I think it is actually a minority. I think most of us don’t mind doing a small favor for a stranger. After all we’re good people. I think the real hindrance in these random acts of kindness is on the part of the receiver. After all, if someone we don’t know and don’t plan to ever see again does us a favor, how will we be able to repay them? We find ourselves at a deficit, we’ve been out-served, we have red in our ledger. So because of this, when that stranger offers us a helping hand, we too often say, “no, thank you.”

I think the greater hindrance to creating a society of givers lies more in our reluctance to take than to give.

Do you agree with THAT summation?

Like I said, I don’t have any definitive answers in this post.

ImageSome friends of mine are in the process of launching a non-profit organization. Our mission is to spread the spirit of Aloha, which I define as the spirit of giving, sharing, and serving. (Sidebar: It’s vital to define Aloha whenever you use it in a sentence since Aloha has about seventy definitions including “hello” and “goodbye.” The spirit of Aloha could easily mean slamming a door in someone’s face. End sidebar).

It’ll probably be a few months before we’re ready to launch the website and start with the promotions and such; and I will no doubt inundate you with more information than you could possibly want at that time.

In the meantime, if anyone has any definitive answers, brilliant ideas or amazing epiphanies about the question “how do you create a culture of giving and serving?” I would love to hear them. Heck, I’ll even take a subdued notion.

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Put Your Money Where Your Heart Is

ImageGenerosity is viewed as altruistic. It is one of those qualities in a person that is almost always universally admired. Even those corporate bigwigs that the masses love pointing fingers at for causing all the problems in the world; it’s hard to stay angry at them when they build a hospital from scratch or give their cab driver a fifty. Generosity creates goodwill.

Generosity is also healthy for the soul. English statesman Winston Churchill said “We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.” Countryless everyman Anonymous said “Remember when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received, only what you have given.”

Generosity is just as rewarding for the giver as it is for the receiver.

Now consider a universal law called the Law of Reciprocity. This law states that whatever you give out you get back. If you’re a jerk, no matter how well you think you hide it, people treat you like you’re a jerk. Which in turn causes you to say, “That person is a jerk!” which perpetuates a jerk vortex that is centered around you. Jerk.

If you smile a great deal, more people smile back at you. If you spend time with your children they will want to spend time with you.

Simple, right?

Now pretend I used some kind of smooth transition to bind these two ideas together.

  • If what you give out is what you get back, and
  • If generosity is equally rewarding to the giver and to the receiver, then
  • If you are struggling financially give more money away. (This is not an April Fool’s joke)

I advise everyone to give away 10% of their income to charity.

“But I earn so little!” Great, you’ll have to give less.

“But I don’t have an extra 10% to give away!” Give it away first, then figure out how to live off the rest.

“But I’m in debt!” That was dumb. I might let you off the hook and allow you to give 10% of your net, but then you are saying that the bank is a more important priority to you than that charity. Which makes you kind of evil, right?

Giving away money is good for society. No matter how poor you think you are, there is always somebody that is poorer. Even people living in poverty in this country have paved driveways, a car, iPhones, cable television and internet. The “poor” in the U.S. are richer than 50% of the people in the world.

Giving money away is good for you as an individual. It’s therapeutic. Give to a cause or a group that you believe in and feel good about giving.

Giving away money will assist you financially. It’s the law of reciprocity in effect. The sooner you give, the sooner the universe will reward you back.

If you don’t buy into that new-age-karma-speak, then try this reason:

Psychologically, giving money away helps you to get out of a scarcity mentality. If you constantly feel like you need every single penny that your boss reluctantly hands over to you, you become enslaved to that pattern of thinking. You need this job, this job is all-important, you must do whatever you can to hold on to this job. Sadly, those people will take a 10% cut in salary during the next economic downturn and say how lucky they are that they even kept their job.

Giving money away helps you to have an abundance mentality.

If you are struggling financially, try giving some money to charity. Hey, since you’re already struggling, you’re obviously not doing anything great with it, so you may as well let someone else have a shot with it.